Well,
My last post was all about me, me, me. Time to not be so Me-gocentric for now. Bear has done pretty well this year, but the past few weeks, we've seen a change. He is still super smart and can do what any kid in his class can do and a few things they can't do. His issues are focus, attention, social skills. He is considered on the autism spectrum and 98% of his difficulties stem from that, not blindness. So, he has been in a regular classroom this year, but seriously rethinking that. I don't want him to be in a situation where he gets in trouble and isn't able to do his work like he needs to, so I am hoping to put him in a smaller classroom. I know that is not the most popular way to go these days with IDEA and least restrictive environment, but it seems best to me, to allow him to be and do his best.
He is such an imaginative little boy. I think he will definitely grow up to do something creative. He tells all these cool stories. He calls them "walk around" stories because he tells them as he walks around the house. The events unfold based on what he encounters as he walks around . For example I turned on the microwave, and the characters in the story "heard a very loud sound". I will have to sit down and type up the stories as he tells them, but right now they evolve so much as they are being told, that I'm not sure someone could follow them.
Somebody told me yesterday how amazing they thought I was because of something they saw me saying or doing with Bear.I don't think I'm amazing at all. I think I am about the farthest from amazing a mom could be. Sometimes I feel like he deserves so much better than he got. I have a lot of health issues and some days I am so tired, I can barely make it. Those days, I have to rest a lot. He should have a mom who can run around and play and dance, like I used to. I know God knows all and has a plan for everything, but at times I wonder... not "Why did I get a special needs boy." like some think, because he is so much more than that. He is so many blessings from God wrapped in one. No, I ask, "Why didn't he get better?" Why doesn't he have a mom who can do everything? Why doesn't he have brothers and sisters and a father who lives with his mom? Well, enough of those thoughts.
Anyway, time to go get him his dinner so we can go to church. We have an awesome church family and I think it will do us some good to see them again.
Blessings,
BEARZ Mom
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Hi Friends,
You know about 5 minutes ago, we had this huge deluge of rain out of nowhere- well, not exactly out of nowhere, the sky was a little gray and there was a slight chance of rain showers, 30% I think, but still... One minute the sky was a little gray and the next, wham!! rain so hard you can't see through it. It lasted about a minute and a half, if that. It made me think about my life of current. My life was ... okay... but there were lots of gray skies and things I couldn't control and then wham... one decision and everything changed so much, that at times I can't recognize my life anymore. That decision was when I realized that my marriage wasn't gonna get any better. I had done ALL I could to try to make it work but as they say, "It takes two to tango" and my partner was sittingall the dances out. I believe I was even told that there were other things more important than me and our relationship- on the back burner for now- I believe was what he said. Well, that along with the fact that he seemed to think he could come and go as he pleased with no reponsibilities and treated our checking accont and me as his personal ATM... well the decision had to be made. The decision to separate was a quick one based primarily on those factors. However, the one to divorce was a slow, painful one based on much prayer and wise counsel from trusted, christian friends, leading to the rainstorm I've found myself in. So, would I go back to the plain gray skies before the deluge? No. I know as painful as it was, I made the right decision. However, now I find myself in a life I don't recognize. Single mom, having to call on my church for help on things, wanting to go hang out, but all my friends are married and those who aren't are too far away, or don't have kids, wishing to try again to find the right guy... a strong christian man, a man who wants a relationship, a relationship based on a mutual desire to grow in Christ, someone to set the example of what a strong Godly man does and is for my son. Sounds good, right? Well I thought so too. Today, in church the pastor hit me in the eyes though. He asked us to go home and evaluate what was in the darkest corners of our house, to ask God to show us what we needed to get rid of, what was keeping us from Him. Well, he meant books, music, movies, time with TV, etc. I heard loud and clear though that God wanted me to stop looking for that man. I'm on a few dating sites and I check them fairly often to see if I see someone who fits me. If I see someone whose profile sounds like what I'm looking for, I send a smile or a quick e-mail, and guess what... I get nothing back.Men have all this about wanting that Godly woman to grow in Christ with etc... all the things I have on mine, but nothing comes back. Do you know how small that makes a person feel? Well, I have decided that I need to focus more on Christ and reading the Bible and stop looking at these sites. I will not go there to look unless I receive a message from someone there. Then, I will go to look at their profile and see if I think they fit. I have to stop thinking about it and know that if I am meant to meet someone, that is someone God wants me to meet, he will take care of it and if I am not, then it just wastes my time looking. I have to let go and do it God's way, not mine. Now, since I'm putting this out there really publicly, I have to do it. I appologize that this exerpt is primarily about me and not about Bear, but I needed to say all this and the rainstorm brought it on. I promise the next one will be about Bear.
Blessings,
BEARZ Mom
You know about 5 minutes ago, we had this huge deluge of rain out of nowhere- well, not exactly out of nowhere, the sky was a little gray and there was a slight chance of rain showers, 30% I think, but still... One minute the sky was a little gray and the next, wham!! rain so hard you can't see through it. It lasted about a minute and a half, if that. It made me think about my life of current. My life was ... okay... but there were lots of gray skies and things I couldn't control and then wham... one decision and everything changed so much, that at times I can't recognize my life anymore. That decision was when I realized that my marriage wasn't gonna get any better. I had done ALL I could to try to make it work but as they say, "It takes two to tango" and my partner was sittingall the dances out. I believe I was even told that there were other things more important than me and our relationship- on the back burner for now- I believe was what he said. Well, that along with the fact that he seemed to think he could come and go as he pleased with no reponsibilities and treated our checking accont and me as his personal ATM... well the decision had to be made. The decision to separate was a quick one based primarily on those factors. However, the one to divorce was a slow, painful one based on much prayer and wise counsel from trusted, christian friends, leading to the rainstorm I've found myself in. So, would I go back to the plain gray skies before the deluge? No. I know as painful as it was, I made the right decision. However, now I find myself in a life I don't recognize. Single mom, having to call on my church for help on things, wanting to go hang out, but all my friends are married and those who aren't are too far away, or don't have kids, wishing to try again to find the right guy... a strong christian man, a man who wants a relationship, a relationship based on a mutual desire to grow in Christ, someone to set the example of what a strong Godly man does and is for my son. Sounds good, right? Well I thought so too. Today, in church the pastor hit me in the eyes though. He asked us to go home and evaluate what was in the darkest corners of our house, to ask God to show us what we needed to get rid of, what was keeping us from Him. Well, he meant books, music, movies, time with TV, etc. I heard loud and clear though that God wanted me to stop looking for that man. I'm on a few dating sites and I check them fairly often to see if I see someone who fits me. If I see someone whose profile sounds like what I'm looking for, I send a smile or a quick e-mail, and guess what... I get nothing back.Men have all this about wanting that Godly woman to grow in Christ with etc... all the things I have on mine, but nothing comes back. Do you know how small that makes a person feel? Well, I have decided that I need to focus more on Christ and reading the Bible and stop looking at these sites. I will not go there to look unless I receive a message from someone there. Then, I will go to look at their profile and see if I think they fit. I have to stop thinking about it and know that if I am meant to meet someone, that is someone God wants me to meet, he will take care of it and if I am not, then it just wastes my time looking. I have to let go and do it God's way, not mine. Now, since I'm putting this out there really publicly, I have to do it. I appologize that this exerpt is primarily about me and not about Bear, but I needed to say all this and the rainstorm brought it on. I promise the next one will be about Bear.
Blessings,
BEARZ Mom
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